This Is All You Can Do To Live Through The Smog Of Lahore
We thought that the Lahore Smog was going to be like a Netflix special series, that we would see a lot of it in quite a small time and then it would go away. However, it has turned out to be a Balaji special which is here to stay for the long run. So it’s about time you stop tweeting about the smog in surprise and just accept that harmful smoke is part of your life now. If it makes you feel better, just imagine that you are living with a chain smoker who occasionally like to blow smoke in your face.
Here are some handy tips to embrace the smog lifestyle without hacking out a lung with all the coughing.
1- PLAY THE BLAME GAME
Just because you did not give a damn about the environment and fucked it over in every way possible does not mean that it gets to do the same thing to you. Despite all your fossil fuel burning, littering, non-recycling and deforestation you deserve clean air to breathe in. Since you can’t get rid of the smog, waste more air by ranting about the fog to anyone who cares to listen. Blame the government for pulling up trees for the stupid metro, blame the Indians for sending their Diwali smoke on over to us or just blame Modi for trying to kill us by sending us smoke. You can even find some way to blame Donald Trump or just simply write it off as an Illuminati conspiracy.
2- MOVE THE FUCK AWAY
If you do not want your life to resemble the pre-stages of an apocalyptic movie, then your best bet is to say goodbye to dear old Lahore. Just pack your bags and move to a place where everything is not tinted in a gray color. Waise bhi Lahore mein Kuch khaas tou Rakha hai nahin. I mean you guys don’t even have a beach and let’s be honest, your biryani does not deserve to be called biryani. Move to a city where pollution has not taken over completely, like Karachi, You will still find yourself breathing pollutants but at least the smoke won’t constantly be on your face, taunting you about the fact that your government values train more than your health.
3- GET YOURSELF EXTRA LUNGS
How long do you think your lungs are going to be able to keep up with the strain you are putting on them. Give them a break from all the coughing and gasping for air by getting yourself an extra pair of lungs. Two lungs are not going to cut it for you in this smoggy weather. I’m pretty sure that in some obscure corner of China, someone has opened a kiosk and is selling fake lungs. Now that the Chinese are going to become our BFFs, we can definitely acquire a sweet set of extra lungs to survive the Lahore smog.
4- STAY INSIDE
The world pretty much sucks right now. Shelters are overflowing with discarded animals, there still isn’t any framework in place to ensure that trans people are getting their rights and the world is literally imploding with natural disasters. Why would you ever want to get out of your house and breathe in poisonous fumes? Why should you risk your life to go to work by braving through a city full of pollution just so that your boss could chide you for no reason at all again? Just stay at home and watch Netflix or videos of dogs meeting their owners after a long time to reinstate your faith in humanity.
5- LET NATURE TAKE IT’S COURSE
Mother nature is pissed. You think you can cut down trees for trains, destroy natural habitats for ugly duplexes and then expect nature to be all happy and pleased, then you could not be more wrong. Nature is going to fuck you over. You think dousing yourself with AXE and aiding in the destruction of the ozone layer was fun right? You never cared about letting your car engine run unnecessarily So now don’t whine when the consequences of your actions are coming back to bite you in the ass. Just breathe all that air in as a punishment for being a total ass to the environment.
Let’s face it already, besides lugging around your own personal oxygen tank and wearing a mask like a Sasta Darth Vader, there is nothing you can do to get rid of the smog. Of course, you could plant more trees and cut back on the pollution but we know you are not going to do it so why talk about it? This is Lahore now, get on board with it.